am i harboring some sort of subconscience resentment towards my husband?
hmm.. possibly.
It never really occured to me until now.
here i am. young. full of awesome ideas. adventures. things. never really thought about marriage. kids. bla bla blah.
and , here i end up. married with children.
not that i didnt want this. to my own surprise, i guess i did, because i cant imagine my life without them. i cant imagine being happy . i cant imagine a world worth living in without them in it. cant imagine a purpose.
but, with that comes this big big love, and this big big responsibility.
with which, i take very seriously. after all, i brought them into this life. and this is my job. i am raising human beings.
and obviously ( i mean, just look around) a lot of people are not taking this job very seriously.
i am.
well, at least im trying. im trying so hard most days are just too hard.
i try so hard, today i cried because im wondering if all this persistence and consistence really matters.
and this big big love that i have, man.. its hard.
i hate it sometimes. how much i love them. how much i want to protect them. from the world i know i cannot protect them from.
and im not even halfway there yet.
oh lord god help me when i really have to let go and trust them to go out into the wild world. hey, we all make it dont we?
but.. are we happy? most days i am. genuinely happy. but i look around.. and see. that a lot of people are not.
i know im going way too deep here.
but , my animal instinct is.. i want my children to be happy and safe.
and im afraid . im afraid of the future. and im envious and angry that my husband can go to sleep at night without thinking too much about it. after all .. this was his idea in the first place!?
dam logical way of thinking.
can someone please cut out my uterus and suck the estrogen out of me so i can think logically? please.
ahh that would be nice.
until then, i will go to bed , for the rest of eternity , worrying myself sick about the well being of my little babies that i birthed into this crazy world.
ok mom, i get it now. sorry for all the restless nights.
4 comments:
Lori love, you are doing the right thing by being consistant and tough. I am so happy for what my parents did for me and sometimes, wish they had been tougher on me for certain things. You are worrying too much about it-like almost every good mom I know. You are tough on them now, so it isn't a slap in the face when they move out. Everything you are doing is preparing them for the real world and trust me, they are going to thank you for it! I love you and if you ever need to chat about it I'm here. Give your boogers huge hugs and kisses from me!! Kids can be a pain sometimes, but nothing compared to the pain of living without them. They will have this same realization some day with their kids. xoxoxoxo
you are the rock star that you are because of your big ass love
You are doing the right thing and doing it the best and only way you know how. This is your path .
thanks guys. =)
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