losing myself as a parent.

avery changed things for me. I used to be this confident marvelous parent who had the cute little toddler who behaved herself, was well dressed, eager to please, darling.(who is ironically now turning into a little miss sassy pants) I could take her to coffee.. parties. I looked down on parents with kids who were out of control.
Id be thinking "get your shit under control people!"
I just assumed I was this incredible parent. HA! Well, not that I wasnt, but I did absolutely nothing different with baby #2, and when Avery hit 8 months old.. and was mobile. It was over.
My quite playdates with sweet kids. My ability to go places by myself and have everything under control.
Its been a hard road. hes a tough kid. And Its not his energy or hyperactivity, or even his stubborn little self that bothers me. Its hard when he disregards other people and their feelings. It kills me.
But , with time, he will learn. He will have to learn the hard way. I feel, like at this point in time.. there is not much else I can really do but keep him safe. If I can just keep him safe, I will consider myself a success! Man, how my parenting itinerary and dreams have been tossed out the window.
Looking back, I was the exact same way as a child, i drove my mom INSANE.and she let me live. she let me go. she let me learn.
There was no other way to do it. and here i am.
i am fine. i am happy. i am secure. i am independent. confident. strong.i LOVE with all my heart. and ... ive learned A LOT over the course of my 30 years.
THIS post reminds me of the mom I once was. and who i am determined to become again.
I need to stop worrying about what other people think or do. and worry about how my kid makes me "look" in the eyes of all the moms at school or my friends. Hes my life. hes my heart. And, Im sad I have made him feel bad for the way he is. things he cannot control right now. Sure, he drives me nuts. but... I need to accept him more for who he is and help guide him. and help him be kind and aware of others. but he need not feel like any less of a person along the way.
My friend Julie said something to me the other day. she has two kids, same age as mine, and it really stuck with me.
She told me how wonderful and amazing avery is, and how he is just a kid. and how wild her boys are, and how im basically just looking at this all wrong.
anyways.. my family comes before everyone. and anyone. and..i just feel like i kinda lost sight for a moment there..