im gonna miss her..

no! nobodys dying. but it sure as hell feels like it at times.

jeni is moving to alaska. freaking alaska for fucks sake!!! OMG!!!what the hell??!!!!

wish i had a scanner.. cause i have some pretty kick ass pics of us "growing up" ... to think i was still shooting film only 4 years ago! lol!
and.. the song keeps repeating.. i was in such a retarded state of mind i didnt think to make the slideshow on my own damn apple program. blah!!

"Jungle BoB!!!" "you KNOWWWWW" "EAT!"

ive never really lost anyone before
most people who moved out of my life , i knew would return.
I have also never been this close with a girlfriend before.
Its devastating for me.

i keep running through things in my head... memories i had already created for our future. like how we were going to coach our kids softball team together this year. i sobbed for three days straight. ive been so happy for so long, i dont know how to handle sadness anymore.


my initial reaction was regret, and how to find a way to keep them here!! i didnt do enough for them. didnt make enough time. i wasnt there for them. its been hard for me to juggle work and kids. i dont know how people do it. and.. i figured i would eventually find a balance.. get the time back. i thought we would have so much more time. i would have done things differently this year. i would have made more time. its made me realize whats really important.


but.. now that the initial shock and selfishness has worn off, I know how hard this must be for HER. this is her home. and shes lost that. and shes diong it all by herself. i know its a good thing for her (family there). a better life for her kids. more opportunity for them all. Part of me hopes they cant handle the long cold winters and california will be calling her name in the dark cold days. and the other part of me (when im not an emotional wreck) realizes that this is so good for her. so good for them. and i am so happy they have somewhere else to call home. somewhere to feel secure. somewhere with promise. a lot of people in this world dont have that. Most everyone i know will always have somewhere to fall back if they need it. and i hope we all realize how lucky we really are to have family and friend who care.

they will be missed. OH GOD THEY WILL BE MISSED. thats a fucking understatement. I think it will be a while before it really hits me.. maybe after a few days of walking down to school to pick up the kids, and not seeing her there. Instead it will be me wearing all her old tank tops (ya. she wont be needing summer clothes anymore. say what~!?its that chilly year round?) . no hugs after school. no beers. no playdates. no fun at all. =( booooooo no claytons baseball games, no danceclass together, no shoulder to cry on, no school plays, no bike rides ..ok ok. you get the idea. i could go on on & on.

when the world came caving down.. it didnt matter! nothing mattered! as long as we had eachother.
"this is our town bitches!" LOL!!!

Id like to think we were meant to be brought together and get eachother through these tough first few milestones of motherhood. and.. i know i couldnt have done it without her. bringing over pedialight for sick babies, picking juniper up from school so i woulndt have to wake avery from his nap, just downright always being there. ALWAYS. she is my family. those babies are my babies. and i will miss them with all my heart.


now, the hard part.. trying to enjoy what little time we have left..


and... one last round of gymnastics together..