not so tiny steps

as i sit here and type this, the paper on the desk is scribbled with the pediatricians & hetch hetchy's ranger station phone numbers, in a desparate attempt to leave all possible information with my mother (really, what else is there? the dentist #! I didnt really know what to write), as i embarked on my first journey with no cell phone service for 2 nights and 2 1/2 days into the wilderness with my hubby.

This was a HUGE step for me. Unlike brandon, I had to mentally prepare myself for the journey ahead, knowing there would be fleeting moments of sheer panic, guilt, and horrific mental images that I would have to ignore and move past to avoid a total nervous breakdown in the middle of nowhere. (panic, guilt,& irrational thinking- a few of the many new things that accompanied me into motherhood)

Days prior, I meditated, i rationalized with own mind, I also packed an emergency Klonopin a friend had given me. just in case! haha!

laying in the tent...listening to the rain...

me "how do you do it? not worry?"

B "I just know everything is going to be ok"

me "Ya, everything is going to be ok. you're right"

But, more importantly, I believed it. and I did it! I enjoyed myself. I let go, and..

14 miles later, after a glorious trip, I found myself back where we started, happy, proud,well rested, sore, rejuvinated, stinky, ridiculously out of shape, and ..um... in desperate need of a cold beer & a payphone.. just to hear.. from my mom that everything was indeed ok. =)

(Brandon did obliviously mention that we made ridiculously good time on the way back down the mountain. te he.)